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Why Your Sex Life is Just the Canary in the Coal Mine
Why Your Sex Life is Just the Canary in the Coal Mine

Sex

Why Your Sex Life is Just the Canary in the Coal Mine

So many men focus on the state of their sex lives as a pain point, but what many of us don't

Robert Schwenkler2018-01-04T19:42:33-08:00April 25th, 2017|Sex|3 Comments

Shame, Sex, and Suicide: My Path to Open-Heartedness
Shame, Sex, and Suicide: My Path to Open-Heartedness

Masculinity, Sex

Shame, Sex, and Suicide: My Path to Open-Heartedness

At one point in my life I was nearly a dead man. Not by someone else’s hand, but by

Robert Schwenkler2020-02-10T16:44:58-08:00August 14th, 2014|Masculinity, Sex|6 Comments

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Eugene's Case Study

Eugene is a high achiever.

He’s motivated to excel at work, well-rewarded for his work ethic, and well-liked for his positive energy.

But beneath the surface Eugene struggled with a constant discomfort in his own skin, as well as a deep martyr complex – believing that he needed to put everyone else’s needs ahead of his, a textbook “Nice Guy”. This was particularly the case with his wife, where he found himself in a loving, but codependent relationship.

Feeling that he needed to capitulate to her plans, desires, schedule, etc., he often swallowed his truth. As a result he felt dominated by her and built up many layers of resentment that resulted in his emotional withdrawal and disconnection. Predictably, he fell out of touch with his masculine core and their sex life diminished significantly.

This also impacted his social life. He spent so much time and energy on the needs of his partner that he had little desire to invest in other important and nourishing relationships.

In addition to this, Eugene couldn’t shake the constant feeling that something bad was always about to happen… that soon the shoe would drop and everything would fall apart.

Through our work together Eugene saw how in constantly seeking approval and validation from his wife he’d deeply eroded not just her trust, but her sexual desire for him.

Professionally she was a strong, capable leader, but she didn’t want to have to caretake her husband too. She wanted the option to relax into her femininity at home, and trust that things would be handled.

Eugene began to step into his masculine confidence by prioritizing his own self care, expressing his needs and desires, and taking the lead with decisions that he’d previously allowed to fall onto his wife.

After just three months of coaching together Eugene showed up to his session overcome with enthusiasm at how incredible his life had become in every way.

Communication with his wife had reached whole new levels of honesty, and contrary to his fears she was grateful and inviting of his truth. It relieved a burden that she’d been carrying for a long time. As emotional intimacy reached new depths their sexual connection also began to erupt into a place they hadn’t experienced in years.

Outside of his relationship Eugene was overflowing with enthusiasm over amazing new friendships that supported and nourished him, and how completely excited he was about every facet of his life!

He knows that the self-doubt and mistrust will appear occasionally, but his relationship to them has massively changed. He now has the option to acknowledge these thoughts and feelings, and come back into the balanced well-being and confidence that is his new norm.

Jessica's Case Study

“I made so much money and I spent it all… and I don’t feel any happier.”

Jessica was exhausted.

On paper she was successful, but on the inside she felt stressed out, anxious, and resentful.

Her business was earning a healthy 1/4 million dollars, but the energy it took to sustain it all was taking a toll. She was paying a whole team of consultants, assistants, and coaches, so she ended up seeing only a portion of what the business actually earned. The strategies she believed she needed to grow her business were sucking the life out of her. Copywriting, sales funnels, and Facebook ads had created some measure of success in her business, but at what cost?

She felt burned out and obligated to her business, constantly anxious, and couldn’t rid herself of the feeling that if she slowed down or stopped everything would fall apart.

On top of all of this she was deeply resentful in her marriage from carrying too much of the emotional and financial burden too much of the time. Her sex life had dried up – she rarely felt like she was getting the slowness and sensuality that she craved.

The parts of herself that Jessica confronted were not pretty, but she was fed up with her addiction to struggle. She was ready for change.

In her commitment to 100% self-honesty she began to see the deeply codependent ways she mothered and caretook her husband. She also started to see that her workload was just self-imposed a strategy to keep her from taking an honest look at how fearful and burned out she actually felt.

Through deep somatic work Jessica began to heal and permanently release the layers of fear, anger, and self-mistrust that had been running her life from behind the scenes. As she did, the childhood innocence she’d long ago locked away began to return, and so did the creativity and inner wellbeing that came with it.

A vision for her business, one that truly turned her on, began to emerge.

It was simple and elegant, free from the financial and energetic cost of hiring and managing an unwieldy team. Within less than a year she began to let go of her team, dramatically re-designed her offerings, and is now generating the same amount… but with no overhead. With the extra energy and money she’s traveling to numerous exotic locations around the world every year, and lives from a deep sense of trust in life.

Her boundaries in her partnership became clear and firm, and together she and her husband made the mutual decision to dissolve their marriage in a healthy way and step forward on their paths as individuals. She is now seeing a man who is secure in his financial situation and effortlessly embodies strong masculinity AND emotional depth.

All of this from the single choice that Jessica allowed herself to make: To let things be easeful.